Rotate anticlockwise

Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

This is a snug fit

You will skin your knuckles!

This is a tight fit

Not a hope in hell matey!

As described in Chapter 7...

That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Pry

Hammer a screwdriver into...

Undo

Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size)

Retain tiny spring

"Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Press and rotate to remove bulb

OK, that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Lightly

Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Weekly checks

If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Routine maintenance

If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

One spanner rating

Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Two spanner rating

Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Three spanner rating

But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Four spanner rating

You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Five spanner rating

OK, but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Compress

Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Inspect

Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Carefully

You are about to cut yourself!

Retaining nut

Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Get an assistant

Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.

However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal

But you swear in different places.

Prise away plastic locating pegs

Snap off

Using a suitable drift 

The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Everyday toolkit

Ensure you have an AA Card & Mobile Phone

Apply moderate heat

Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat

Index

List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!