Joke

[KevJ+2]

There is a story of a young man who used to make a few extra dollars as a bagpiper, who played mostly for funerals. One time he was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a cemetery in the Kentucky back country. The young man was not familiar with the area and got lost; and being a typical man, wouldn't stop for directions. Finally he arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

All he saw were the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch. He felt bad and apologized to the men for being late, went to the side of the grave, and looked down. The vault lid was already in place, but not knowing what else to do, he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played his heart out for this man with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man's memory.

As he played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full.

Just as he was opening the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[john.p.clegg]

http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjo ... jokes.html

John

[Bud English]

Couldn't help but think fondly of John Pelly just then.

[Spyder fan]

Jokes appear to be censored, search Joke and see if you are authorised to view?

[Bud English]

Alan, I think it's just that original Joke thread that John started that is locked out. I'd like to think it was retired in John's memory. IIRC, it was locked about the same time his signature block was edited to reflect his passing.

[Spyder fan]

Bud,
Generally if a thread is blocked it's because of bad behaviour, John would be proud of that

Little Johnny asks the teacher,
?Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven?t done??
-
Mrs Roberts is shocked,
?Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!?
-
Little Johnny is relieved,
?OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven?t done my homework.?

[Orsom Weels]

Weight loss program.


Guy decides he should try to keep his weight in check so phones and orders a brand new 5 day ? 5Lb weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day he finally catches her & she honours the promise on her sign.
He gets home, weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5LBs as promised.

Couple of weeks later he calls the company and orders their 5 day ? 10Lb programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day he finally catches her & she too honours the promise on her sign.
when home, he weighs himself, and discovers that he has lost another 10Lbs, as promised.

After another couple of weeks he decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their top 7 day ? 25Lb programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost more than 25Lbs that week. .. ..

[elanfan1]

Holy thread revival Batman!

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds..'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled....

[Quart Meg Miles]

Stop it, stop it, I can't take any more!

[elanfan1]

It’s a cracker...

[rgh0]

Why does it have to be an Australian Blonde who is so smart ? Are non Australian blondes dumb ?

cheers
Rohan

[Quart Meg Miles]

Why does it have to be an Australian Blonde who is so smart ? Are non Australian blondes dumb ?

cheers
Rohan

Anyway, she still got the second question wrong as there are 252 seconds in the year.

[Bud English]

Ah, there's many more than that. Most automotive spares these days seem to be seconds.

[elanfan1]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

[Quart Meg Miles]

PRESS RELEASE :

MAJOR MOTOR MERGER

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, & the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say the paint may make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome!