And you thought that working on Elans was problematic?
How to Bathe a Cat in 8 Easy Steps
We?ve all experienced the hazards of attempting to bathe one of nature?s most well equipped shredding machines and trying to make Tiddles endurable after he?s rolled in something unspeakable is something that most cat owners will dread.
Fear not, for here is a foolproof and completely safe method of dealing with this eventuality with zero risk of injury to yourself, minimal undue stress caused to your dear pet and, best of all, no unnecessary expenditure on expensive gadgets with which to perform this sleight of veterinary hand.
You will require 1 assistant, 1 standard British lavatory with seat and lid combo, 1 cup of pet shampoo, 1 first aid kit and 1 cat (soiled unless simply testing, in which case the shampoo may be omitted)
1. Thoroughly dry the toilet pan removing any residual water using a sponge or cloth so that the pan is completely devoid of dampness (optional but safer).
2. Ensure both toilet lids are lifted and that they close quickly without sticking. Test lid to ensure it will bear your weight and that the surface is non-slip. Tie a 4 foot piece of strong twine to the front of the toilet seat using a reef knot and coil neatly on top of the cistern.
3. Obtain the cat and feed him while soothing him gently. Once he has finished eating, lift and carry him gently towards the bathroom making happy noises to allay suspicion.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat headfirst into the toilet pan. This manoeuvre ensures a delay of about .00064 of a nanosecond while the cat attempts to engage reverse. During this delay you should swiftly withdraw your hands and close both lids. Quickly mount the toilet seat, standing on the lid and grasp the twine you previously attached. The cat will now be unable to escape but may attempt to tunnel through the pan. This is normal - ignore.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as those blurs of claw tipped appendages will, by now, be reaching out for anything they can find to slash. Being within range at this point would be tantamount to changing a bandsaw blade whilst it?s running and is not recommended. The proceedings will be accompanied by fiendish noises and flecks of foam. This is known as ?Cat Goz?, is normal ? and may be ignored, provided the cat does not get loose. If there is ANY slight possibility of this happening mid-proceedings, it might be wise to equip your assistant with a canister of CS Gas, or even better, a baseball bat. Do not laugh ? this is for your own safety.
5. Ensuring the toilet lids are both FIRMLY and irrevocably shut, add 1 cupful of shampoo to the cistern and replace the lid. Checking your balance on the toilet lid(s) smartly operate the lever to flush the toilet. If you have correctly carried out the procedures so far you will rapidly notice 2 things. (1) Bubbles will have started to appear around the edge of the toilet rim and (2) Somebody has started the engine of a Kawasaki Z750 inside the toilet pan and is proceeding to rev it to crankshaft-snapping point. This is normal ? ignore. (You may also notice an increase in volume from the cat - also ignore).
6. Wait for approximately 15 seconds or until the cistern has refilled and then flush the toilet once more. Repeat three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" ably assisted by the violent circumnavigations of the toilet bowl by the (now) rather damp cat. This action has been demonstrated to be remarkably effective at removing dirt and grime from your beloved pet?s coat while, coincidentally, leaving the toilet bowl with a mirror-like shine. If your cat?s claws have been recently sharpened, limescale and stains may also be removed during this phase of the process. Ignore the sound effects, which will have almost certainly increased still further, accompanied by your cat waving to you from the gap between seat and bowl. This is to let you know that it is quite all right and everything is quite normal. You may, however, wish to reassure any neighbours that you are not in the process of killing a pig, barbecuing a small child or signalling an imminent bombing raid by the Luftwaffe.
7. At this point you should have your assistant open both the toilet door and the door to the outside, ensuring that there are no people or breakable objects occupying the shortest trajectory between the cat?s current location and freedom. Your assistant should stand well clear of any area that has even the remotest possibility of being cohabited by a damp cat and, standing behind the toilet as far as you can, you may now pull sharply on the twine, lifting both lids simultaneously. Stay still and quiet.
8. You will now observe Mother Nature lending a helping hand, as your now-clean cat will cleverly leave the toilet bowl entirely of his own volition and at a fairly brisk pace, scampering outside where he will dry himself in the open air. You may not actually SEE the cat, but he WILL leave the toilet. If you are likely to be concerned by his welfare at this juncture, the passage of your (now clean) pet may be easily verified by asking the assistant to remain in the hallway prior to the egress phase of the operation. Evidence of blood and torn tissue will bear witness to the cat's successful transit into the garden. You may press the first aid kit into service at this point and, if necessary summon an ambulance. However, you will now be happy and secure in the knowledge that your beloved little feline friend is quite healthy and is demonstrably ?Talon Intactus?.
(1) If, at the end of paragraph (8) there is no evidence of cat egress, then a suitable emergency procedure would be to locate any square metallic objects embedded in the ground within a 15 yard radius of your dwelling. These are called ?drain covers? and may be gently prised up with a suitably long stick. Your pet may well emerge from one of them in a temperamental state. If this is the case, return to step (3) being careful not to inhale the aromas emanating from him.
(2)It is recommended that you do not repeat this procedure more than once a year as, should the cat realise what is about to happen before you manage to incarcerate him inside the toilet, you may suffer severe lacerations and plumbing damage.
Editor: On Sunday morning, February 8th 2015, Derek "John" Pelly AKA GrumpyBodger passed away genuinely peacefully at Weston Hospicecare, Weston Super Mare. He will be missed.
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I've tried that but, sadly, it DIDN'T work!
A while back the boss was at a conference, so I was left "in charge".
I thought "Me and the boys will have some chips tonight" so out came the deep fat fryer.
"Time for an oil change" I reckoned (it was more overdue than the Elan ) so I drained and refilled it with fresh stuff.
Couldn't be ar*ed to clear up after dinner so went to bed, leaving the lids off the tubs of old cooking oil.
We had a cat at the time...one of those pure white, long haired, fluffy jobs with blue eyes...and was stone deaf (genetic problem with the breed)
Unlike hearing cats it was so bl**dy clumsy it caused havoc wherever it went. (You know what's coming!)
Next morning, got up and ....WTF?
There was this 'effin' cat, soddened with used cooking oil and now the size of a rat...a very slippery rat!
It must have spent the night walking about & trying to lick itself clean. No wonder it looked nauseus
I ruled out pressure washing, so it took most of the day to clean up before the boss got home. "We seem to have run out of washing up liquid" she said. "Oh, really?" said I.
I have every sympathy, now, for those involved in the clean up of wildlife after an oil spill.
(P.S. Eventually, having no hearing cost the cat a bit more...it didn't hear the car coming! )
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